Within the last eighteen months I have attended nine welcoming
parties. These are parties by friends and acquaintances who went to
Africa, marry and successfully petitioned for their wives to come to
the United States. These types of parties, whether big or small, are
taking place all over the US. The immigration process can be lengthy
and frustrating -- depending on the petitioner's immigration status.
In the US at least, one could petition for his future wife by way of
the Fiancé Visa provision or through outright marriage which could
take upward of twenty months. And lots of money, ingenuity and
perseverance are involved.
But why do some African men go though this tortuous and circuitous
immigration process? Why do some African men go home to marry
instead of marrying the women they've wined and dined and romanced
right here in the US? Most of these women are well-educated, well-
read and well-traveled; they are well mannered and have proven their
reliability. They have demonstrated their abilities and capabilities
in all matters marital and non-marital. They are women of two
worlds: they know Africa and also understand the West. Sadly, these
are some of the reasons why African men forsake them for the un-
initiated.
Why do African men go home to marry the "unknowns" instead of
marrying the proven and the reliable here in the US? Well, it is
because (1) they can; (2) most men are under the illusion that the
women they knew back home are innocent, un-spoilt and virginal; (3)
it is an ego boosting exercise in that it allows them to demonstrate
to their people back in Africa that they too can bring one of their
own to the US; and (4) it allows some men to mask their "failures
and shortcomings" since the women who are already in the US can tell
where they are on the social and economic ladder. Additionally, some
men want their women to look up to them since it makes them appear
more than what and who they really are (at least in the initial
stages). Sense of self and low self-esteem plays a role here.
And then there those who will tell you African girls in the US have
all "gone bad, rotten, too exposed, and too independent. " The
African male is perplexing. He can be enigmatic. He can be
everything and sometimes, nothing. He can be sweet and loving and
caring and benevolent and at the same time oppressive. His life is
full of contradictions. In so many ways, he is a wounded animal as a
result of his historical past. There was a time when he was the
primary breadwinner, the head of the household. He was the man who
moved mountains and parted the heavens so it rained. That was a time
long gone. The modern times have not been exactly good to him
because of the multiplying effects of globalization and modernity.
Even though the outside world is depriving him of his manhood, he
has found a way to make part of his world his playground. His home
has become his playground. And in this playground, he is the
captain. He is the sole captain. No co-captains. His words and
wishes are the law. Globalization and modernity may be creeping in
on and chipping away at his manhood, but he has found a way to
protect his playground. Or so he thought! To make his thinking a
reality, he marries a greenhorn.
But you see life has a way of getting back at us. Sooner or later,
Karma will come to play. Life is dynamic, ever changing; and never
static. Therefore, yesterday's greenhorns will become the "ever-
present and ever-knowing" of today and tomorrow. The innocents will
lose the mist in their eyes and become like all the women that came
before them. Compared to non-imported marriages, one can not but
notice that "greenhorn marriages" dissolve quicker -- mostly within
five years of consummation.
More often than not most of these marriages are not based on love or
affection. Most are not even like the marriages of yester-years: a
contract and a union between two families. On the part of the
greenhorns, it is mostly about the need to escape the prevailing
abject poverty and hopelessness that has engulfed most African
countries. Most of these women wanted a way out of the sorrow and
the lack of opportunities in their countries. In Nigeria for
instance, it is mostly about running away from the fetid and
stifling conditions that stunts dreams and kill optimism. Therefore,
when such women are presented with the opportunity to hop, they pack
and run! Imported husbands do the same thing, too.
As for the men who go in search of these women, well, their mindset
has been discussed. What needs to be added is the fact that most are
never happy because they got what they never bargained for: stunned,
disappointed and underachieving wives who never knew about 40-60-
hour work week; women who never knew there are no dollar minting
factories down the street, that America is not what they saw in the
movies and magazines, that America is not a world of instant riches
and glamour. You must toil and toil and toil!
Why do we wine and dine and romance our women if we have no
intention of marrying them? Why do we whine and complain when we see
them lay their eggs in the nest of other races? Why do we sneer at
them when they turn the "ideal age for marriage" and are unmarried?
And why do we slap the culture book at them when they have children
out of wedlock? It is a shame the way some African men in this
country have treated and continues to treat some of our women. It is
truly a shame!
Africa, marry and successfully petitioned for their wives to come to
the United States. These types of parties, whether big or small, are
taking place all over the US. The immigration process can be lengthy
and frustrating -- depending on the petitioner's immigration status.
In the US at least, one could petition for his future wife by way of
the Fiancé Visa provision or through outright marriage which could
take upward of twenty months. And lots of money, ingenuity and
perseverance are involved.
But why do some African men go though this tortuous and circuitous
immigration process? Why do some African men go home to marry
instead of marrying the women they've wined and dined and romanced
right here in the US? Most of these women are well-educated, well-
read and well-traveled; they are well mannered and have proven their
reliability. They have demonstrated their abilities and capabilities
in all matters marital and non-marital. They are women of two
worlds: they know Africa and also understand the West. Sadly, these
are some of the reasons why African men forsake them for the un-
initiated.
Why do African men go home to marry the "unknowns" instead of
marrying the proven and the reliable here in the US? Well, it is
because (1) they can; (2) most men are under the illusion that the
women they knew back home are innocent, un-spoilt and virginal; (3)
it is an ego boosting exercise in that it allows them to demonstrate
to their people back in Africa that they too can bring one of their
own to the US; and (4) it allows some men to mask their "failures
and shortcomings" since the women who are already in the US can tell
where they are on the social and economic ladder. Additionally, some
men want their women to look up to them since it makes them appear
more than what and who they really are (at least in the initial
stages). Sense of self and low self-esteem plays a role here.
And then there those who will tell you African girls in the US have
all "gone bad, rotten, too exposed, and too independent. " The
African male is perplexing. He can be enigmatic. He can be
everything and sometimes, nothing. He can be sweet and loving and
caring and benevolent and at the same time oppressive. His life is
full of contradictions. In so many ways, he is a wounded animal as a
result of his historical past. There was a time when he was the
primary breadwinner, the head of the household. He was the man who
moved mountains and parted the heavens so it rained. That was a time
long gone. The modern times have not been exactly good to him
because of the multiplying effects of globalization and modernity.
Even though the outside world is depriving him of his manhood, he
has found a way to make part of his world his playground. His home
has become his playground. And in this playground, he is the
captain. He is the sole captain. No co-captains. His words and
wishes are the law. Globalization and modernity may be creeping in
on and chipping away at his manhood, but he has found a way to
protect his playground. Or so he thought! To make his thinking a
reality, he marries a greenhorn.
But you see life has a way of getting back at us. Sooner or later,
Karma will come to play. Life is dynamic, ever changing; and never
static. Therefore, yesterday's greenhorns will become the "ever-
present and ever-knowing" of today and tomorrow. The innocents will
lose the mist in their eyes and become like all the women that came
before them. Compared to non-imported marriages, one can not but
notice that "greenhorn marriages" dissolve quicker -- mostly within
five years of consummation.
More often than not most of these marriages are not based on love or
affection. Most are not even like the marriages of yester-years: a
contract and a union between two families. On the part of the
greenhorns, it is mostly about the need to escape the prevailing
abject poverty and hopelessness that has engulfed most African
countries. Most of these women wanted a way out of the sorrow and
the lack of opportunities in their countries. In Nigeria for
instance, it is mostly about running away from the fetid and
stifling conditions that stunts dreams and kill optimism. Therefore,
when such women are presented with the opportunity to hop, they pack
and run! Imported husbands do the same thing, too.
As for the men who go in search of these women, well, their mindset
has been discussed. What needs to be added is the fact that most are
never happy because they got what they never bargained for: stunned,
disappointed and underachieving wives who never knew about 40-60-
hour work week; women who never knew there are no dollar minting
factories down the street, that America is not what they saw in the
movies and magazines, that America is not a world of instant riches
and glamour. You must toil and toil and toil!
Why do we wine and dine and romance our women if we have no
intention of marrying them? Why do we whine and complain when we see
them lay their eggs in the nest of other races? Why do we sneer at
them when they turn the "ideal age for marriage" and are unmarried?
And why do we slap the culture book at them when they have children
out of wedlock? It is a shame the way some African men in this
country have treated and continues to treat some of our women. It is
truly a shame!
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